'Tis the Season for Shopping

It's here again, the gift of spending way too much money on stuff none of us need and a few things we do. When common sense goes out the window about over spending. Don't panic. Just know that its about Giving, joy, laughter, and memories. My personal trick to shopping is looking for the best item before I spend a dime and don't shop after 1pm. Have fun!!!

51 jobs in 31 years

Frustration & family can the same word. Should I be using frustration instead of family, probably most of the time. My family has helped. They have helped me with conditions I am ordered to fulfill first. The limitations from my dyslexia are real and yet many around me don't hear me and treat it as I am using it as an excuse. Fifty-One (51) jobs in the last 31 years should scream that the limitation from the dyslexia is REAL. As I keep remembering the other jobs I forgot about, the 51 could increase. So, the frustration & family do get used a lot, because there could be more emotional support and genuine support & advice while HEARING what I'm saying. I have a college degree because of family, I'm sleeping in my car (& not under a bridge) because family, I'm working on this computer because of family, able to read books on my iPad because of family. SO, yes, they have helped me. However, there are other ways I need their help. Actual-Tangible help with getting me lined up on work that I can actually DO and succeed in doing. So, yes, I've asked many many times and not sure what the correct word should be used on the lack of response. Is it their short-coming, not really, its all of us as a team not being able to work together, while speaking the same language so everyone is equally heard. My word choice is different from theirs, so being heard is frustrating for all parties... After digging into my memory banks about all my jobs, the number is actually 48. But none the less still way too many jobs for someone who has struggle with dyslexia.

I'm Still Here

Well, I do seem to ghost my blog from time to time. It gets hard to write, especially all I have is my phone. My computer is fixed and I'm back on track, so to speak, to get an income again. I haven't stopped looking for work. Just facing the fact that my Dyslexia has been affecting my ability to get and hold down jobs. Multitasking isn't my friend and never has been. So, that means no customer service jobs. And my feet are keeping me from getting jobs that would would put me on them.

Turning 50 Years

Well, when someone turns 50, they take a close look at everything in their life. The thinking about where one should be and isn't. First of all, that is the first mistake; comparing yourself to others what they've accomplished by the time they reach 50. Like being rich, POTUS, skinny, movie star, rock star, race car driver, etc...

Instead, look at all you have accomplished instead. Having a family by choice, a mortgage by choice, car of choice, and all the things you have done. No matter how small or large. Those are your true successes and the best part is, they are Yours alone. Buy a flower or a dinner out or something to reward yourself, today. Doesn't have to be an expensive car or diamonds or a high ticket item. It just needs to be something simple you can enjoy Today. Yesterday is in the history and tomorrow hasn't been written yet... So, enjoy Today.

If bankruptcy, medical issues, physical or emotional abuse have been written into your book of life. If you're reading this, you have survived it. You Are a Survivor! You made it out the other side of the fight for your life. Hugs!

If homeless has been a constant circle of starting from scratch and getting back on your feet. Take a closer look at why. Not at the blame or what ever language that you're telling yourself. Learning Disabilities, Emotional abuse from others, Fear, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, etc... Think through those and really look at them. Without the blame or anger or assumptions. Forgive yourself on the failures that you think are yours. Forgive those who didn't know they were abusing you. Forgive Yourself!

When feeling down or not worthy or what ever language you tell yourself, remember that everyone else around you is doing today for the first time, just like you. Watch the grass wave in the wind, the clouds make shapes in the sky, and puppies jumping around being silly. Breath in and out and let your heart feel it. You can have a good cry, everyone needs one every once in while, but not live there. Don't Ever Give UP!!!

Hugs

Old Memories

Memories can be tough when they come back into the front page of the day. Yesterday evening, I was at a stop location for a homeless van to get some free batteries for a few flash lights I have. I had inside information that they would be there, so I sat and waited. The 90 minutes or so I waited became emotionally painful. It became very clear that I was homeless and I was alone. I felt like I was 21 all over again. See, thats the first time I was homeless with the help from my family. I was thrown out because I couldn't hold down a job, because of my dyslexia. I ended up in a homeless shelter and no help from my family. Its like they washed their hands of me back than. This time, I have a car, a mix of job skills, bad feet, Dyslexia (no customer service) and again no help from my family. Here I am trying to learn to love myself for the first time and my family are so good at treating me like I'm stupid (like always) that i am once again treading water in depression. This time I'm working with a special group that is helping me find work that is better suited for me. Needless to say, last night was rough. So, the lesson here is, you can't give up on your kids no matter what.

Changes

Life as we all know must change so we can start fresh and free from what bonds us... That is the first thing that came to mind today when I woke in the back seat of my car as my dog recovers from her unscheduled vet visit yesterday. As I continue to find a pt job and find ways to learn new skills so I can increase my income from home (or library).

Yes, I quit my job and ruined their summer. I got sick of the continues verbal abuse from the boss. He's a narcissist...

Healing Comes in a Whisper

The recovery from abuse can be long and emotional draining sometimes, ok, most of the hours while the work is getting attention. Huge break throughs can come as a whisper and sneak by without stirring any dust. Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting, especially when you're aware of the game they play. The personal break through I had the other day was a slight breeze and took me 3 days to realize I had one.

A certain person called me a liar in their own special way. I spoke with an associate about a common issue we were having and they laughed and said that they spoke with her, implying I couldn't have. Its good thing I ask her to call them the next day to tell them the same things so it wasn't coming as hear-say from me. The break through was exhaling the stress from the insult and accepting myself and knowing the truth. The slight breeze was the exhale which took the stress, mind games, self talk and defensive behavior.

This morning, the whisper came as laughter witnessing the selfishness of the narcissism at work. The printer stopped communicating with a certain program on the computer. The only thing I didn't do was reboot the computer, because I wasn't sure that would fix it. Nothing could get printed and let them know last night. The response I got was they know how to fix it and will take care of it this am. When I spoke with them this am, I asked how they fixed it, they said they rebooted the computer. I was floored, but didn't say a word. Because I know the truth... The revenge was being told that rebooting the computer would fix a different type of office equipment, but it didn't. Because I knew from pervious conversations with IT that the computer couldn't fix it, because it was separate.

This whisper inside the slight breeze in a break though in healing and quieting the mind is knowing the truth and knowing that you no longer have to scream to be heard and make sure they hear your side. Simply knowing the truth in your heart is enough.

Appreciate the Daily Successes too

This is the long way around the tree to get to the daily successes, but the lesson learned to get there matters. In the search for the date I graduated from college, found a two page letter full of emotional abuse. Everything I had worked so hard to achieve was thrown in my face. Everything he had done for me, he threw in my face. Made me feel guilty for everything he had done for me and than demanded a weekly report of my job hunt, including names and phone numbers who I interviewed with. I didn't do as demanded, because I knew then it was wrong. Finding it again has reopened my eyes to the emotional abuse that I have received from him and everyone in my family. Not writing this to bash them, writing this to show that even after all these years, nothing has changed and its now up to me. For the first time, I feel free of them and even allowing myself to feel I have to work for their approval. Maybe I can finally appreciate all my own efforts of standing on my own, without asking them for help and doing it. I may be in a job I can't stand, but I haven't quit it either. I'm writing to encourage anyone who has been the target of verbal, emotional abuse, that they can stand on their own without the approval of others. Appreciate your daily achievements as well as the bigger ones. We get so side tracked on the working for the bigger goal, we forget to appreciate the smaller daily ones. Even if it means starting from the basics, like getting the kitchen clean after putting it off just to make others mad because they ordered you to do it. Or cleaning out the closet for a thrift store trip to thin out the clothes-shoes-hand bags you don't use anymore. And lastly, being an amazing parent and getting the kids ready for school and out the door on time each day, even those days your late.

Inner Strength

I Am a Survivor! I am a survivor of Narcissistic abuse. I continue to read, search, reflect and learn to love myself. The most amazing part of it is the road blocks and mountains of doubt that has been told to me all these years. The fear of rejection from others and the isolation that is easier to deal with. I love talking to people and I am good at it. But I also love my solo time. I have chores to get done for my job search and the most depressing part is looking at jobs available and knowing from the job descriptions that I don’t have the skill. The fight-or-flight kicks in and I just want to hide. I have to get out of this job and into something else, but the road blocks and deep seeded self-doubt that I will ever be successful can be over-whelming.

If you’re looking at it from the outside and don’t have a clear understanding about the scaring from a narcissist, you will only hear them “complaining”. In fact, the so-called complaining are real living scars the survivor is dealing with; every minute, every hour, every day. Do not ever tell a survivor of a narcissist abuser to “get over it!” because they can’t. It's not a light switch that can be turned off and all things are normal. It took years of a certain language from the narcissist to change the way the Target thinks about all things. It will take years for the Target to rewrite the language so the Target is a strong successful survivor. My writings are to help myself and hope that I can help give someone inner strength to stand strong.

Somehow, I find ways to fight through the fear to handle most struggles. The one I have yet to conquer is looking for work. It can be crippling for me and test the boundaries of my depression to new heights. I don’t talk about it much, because I’m still finding the right wording to explain it to myself, much less to others. Especially when I’m not trying to place blame onto others. I’m going to try to put it into words, please forgive me if it comes out wrong. It is a process I’m still working on. Those closest to me would do one of two things when I would share about my job searches. They would either cheer me on or talk me out of it with some line that I didn’t have the skills. If I did land something, thinking I’ll be good at it and maybe even successful at. Later down the road, those same people would start to play devils advocate with me in the thought process that it would help me. When all it was doing was increase the self doubt in my abilities to be successful in the current job. My abilities are questioned and I start to wonder if I’m able to do anything successfully. The other side to the issue is getting a job and discovering later my boss is a narcissist and is holding me back, either in income, zero advancement, or making sure to insult me every day because they don’t like the way I do something or simply because I show compassion for others.

Been working 30 years and shamefully no real skills other than customer service, which I hate with every cell in my body. But that doesn’t have anything to do with the abuse. That is 100% a limitation from my Dyslexia in the Working Memory. So, between the self doubt from outside verbal programing and the learning disability; the struggles are real! The more self aware a person can become, the easier it will be to heal in the areas that change can happen. And for me, find work that is better suited for my Dyslexia.

One of the fight or flight I’m working on is not reacting by quitting this job, because of my inner dialog. Walking away from this job would put me back on the street and that is a depressing (to tears) thought process. One of the things that helps me fight and not flight is how I eat. Limit my coffee intake, zero processed food as a daily but only as the occasional treat, same goes for sodas, and limit my liquor to as a reward only. Dark chocolate covered almonds, soy milk, coconut sugar and honey as sweeteners. Basically eat clean and happy carbs. Some days the tears still come, but I try to keep moving forward.

Business Consultant, Possibilities!

Been knocking some ideas around to create income that would allow me to work at home part of the time. Small Business Consultant that specializes in Analysis of the business and solve issues that might be costing future customers. Pushing through my fear to see if its something that I could do and possibly make a living at. Don't have it all worked out, but am letting my mind flow with ideas and get some research done. I know it can be done, people are doing it all over the country. I have close to 6,000 hrs of running a small business with a profit. I know its possible and I have to remind myself that I can do it.

Self Acceptance with Learning Disabilities

The universal struggle of the job, career, employment does affect every single of us! I have written about it 50 times, even with some complaining. Ok, maybe a lot of complaining.

The fact that I'm a Dyslexic and have always been proud of it, never stopped me in the search for the perfect fit. However, I wasn't paying attention to my strengths and my weaknesses in the results of the test done 15 years ago. Finally accepting my true limitations like a low score in what they call Working Memory has always affected me on many of my jobs. It has always been a challenge for in my jobs in customer service. So, what I'm going to do is post the important scores to help anyone who is unsure of the limitations we may face. Now, my scores are my scores. They will be very different for each person who gets tested. The scores and percentages are all on the 100+ or 100% scale in skill level. Numbers listed will be Score, Precent with age group, and where I fall in the group.

Verbal IQ: 92, 30%, Average
Performance IQ: 98, 45%, Average
Full Scale IQ: 95, 37%, Average.
Verbal Comprehension: 94, 34%, Average
Perceptual Organization: 103, 58%, Average
*Working Memory: 86, 18%, Low Average
Similarities: 11, Average
*Analyze: 13, High Average

There are more scores, but these are the ones that matter. The ones on the surface and the ones not listed is who I am on the job market. No self pity, just finally a full understanding of my struggles for the past 30 years.

My lowest or biggest struggle is Passage Comprehension & Dictation at 11%. My highest or best assets are Science (analyze) at 46%.

Here is my message to all parents who have little ones who have been diagnosed or are struggling. Pay close attention to the scores and help them find work where their Strengths or Strongest areas are used on their career. And what ever you do, DO Not Ever Tell Them They Can't Go After that career choice because They Don't Have the Experience! My father did that to me and if he had been more supportive and realizing that the only way I can get experience is by doing it, I would be in a different place in my life right now. With his statement, it stopped me in my tracks that I would never be successful in the career I feel capable of making money at. Sadly, I've stayed in the wrong job market for the past 12 years (post-college degree)! Struggling with homelessness, financially broke and low self-esteem. Be careful of what you say to others.

My best asset is Problem Solving and coming up with solutions on the most basic of levels. We have become a nation where we only think about the bigger picture while ignoring the feet under the bigger picture or body. I've had conversations with politicians about the basic problems that face this nation and the people in it and they have forgotten the feet under the body of issues. That subject was about Affordable Housing. My point here is that the body can't get fixed if the feet are ignore. That is my best asset.

Tangible Rewards

The easy mistake is the thinking that you have to spend big money to treat yourself to something nice every once in awhile. The truth is, you don't. Case in point; the picture of flowers here is my self treat I bought last week for $4.42, down from $30.00.

Depression

There are lots of guesses and assumptions about why a person suffers from it. I read a quote this morning that got me thinking about it more closely. The quote put the blame on the person for being depressed. Know that a good diet is part of good health as well as mental health is important. Anyone who is growing up knows how difficult it is to get a perfect balance of foods into a child or even as an adult. Putting a traumatic event with a missing item in the diet can be enough to make change in the brain. I know it seems far fetched, but it could be the real reason why so many just can't get over what it bothering them. The change could be permanent in the brain. With this being the possible truth to it, work to be happy(er) most of the time is on the person. There are drugs on the market to help keep the serotonin in check. But thats only one thing out of many a person can do to help themselves.

A balance diet as often as possible, limited alcohol, plenty of sleep, at least a 20 minute walk everyday. There are excuses for all of those, but there are ways to do each of them. A small food budget, but spending it on junk food doesn't work. A small food budget means creating new ways to buy food smartly and making it go as far as possible. Living off ramen doesn't count... If buying fresh veggies is futile because they goes bad before you get it consumed, consider buying frozen veggies. They work great for soups, adding food to pizzas and other cooking ideas. Plus it has a long freezer life. Alcohol actually increases the depression symptoms 100-fold and makes it harder to come out of it. When you're really down, just stay away from it, its not worth it. Make a personal rule to only enjoy the adult beverages when you're having a good day. Now days, getting enough sleep with the demands on the job, many of us are lucky to get 6 hours a night. That isn't enough for anyone! Insomnia is a sign of a poor diet and not enough Magnesium. Unless you're physically handicap and bed ridden, there are no excuses to find a way to walk for 20 minutes. Stuck at home, you can come up with a path within the house where you can walk it for 20 minutes nonstop. A few extras, have your morning coffee outside in the fresh air. Open the windows to your house and let the fresh air in, the air inside is dirtier than it is outside. Enjoy some dark chocolate and a supreme pizza (with everything one it). Limit the bad carbs and replace them with good carbs. And lastly, give yourself some slack and be human. Buy yourself some flowers once a while, even discounted bouqets are still alive. Take a long hot shower, everyday, it does wonders.

I have my bad days too and have to remind myself take to care of me, even with tears running from my eyes.

Inflammation & Pain

The ancient spice from a root. One of the most over looked health aides in the western world is Turmeric. The health benefits are far reaching in every part of the body. Wikipedia denounces its medical benefits, which is pretty sad. There is plenty of evidence that it helps the body in a dozen ways. Its been used in India for thousands years and thats all the proof I need…

I have injuries from young adulthood from my neck to my feet. I suffer from joint pain, muscle tenderness, and inflammation everywhere in between. If it wasn’t for Turmeric attacking the inflammation head-on, I would be making over the counter pain medications companies very rich! Instead of masking the symptoms from the damage already done to my body, the spice is attacking the damage itself. I’ve been taking it for two years and it helps with chronic pain where nothing else did. Personally, I will take 1,000 to 1,500 mg every day. If I need the extra 500, Im in real pain and will take an over the counter pain killer (non-blood thinning) to help.

The health benefits from this spice with Curcumin are as necessary as breathing. It is a major anti-inflammatory and antioxidant for all parts of the body. From the health of the brain, heart, lungs, joints, muscles, damaged tissue, depression, pms, skin care, and so much more. (Source: Organicfacts.net)

There is no specific dose that is right for everyone. Some can take 500 mg and others may need 2,000 mg in a 24 hour day. Pay attention to the side affects like dizziness or diarrhea.

*DO NOT START THIS UNTIL YOU TALK TO YOUR PHYSICIAN IF YOU’RE ON HEART MEDICATIONS OR BLOOD THINNERS.

When you go buy this spice in supplement form, only stick with well known brands. Some box store brands isn’t all spice and you can tell by the way it smells when you open the bottle. It should smell like a hot mustard and fresh. When in doubt, talk to you pharmacist or someone at your local health food store about the best quality.

Now, with that said, you know the saying; “You are what you eat!” The other part to fighting off inflammation is by watching what you eat. You remember the list of foods in the magnesium post that were the wrong cravings? Well, they’re also Pro-Inflammation foods, meaning they will attack your body and make you hurt… Red meat, potatoes, sugary foods, carbonated drinks, peanut butter, high sodium foods, white bread, processed meats, eggs, cereal, 90% of breakfast foods, and alcohol.

On the flip side, anti-inflammatory foods are out there to help you out. This is my food list. Some of the favorites are dark chocolate, almonds, ginger, walnuts, tomatoes, blueberries, green leafy vegetables, sweet potatoes, and lots of water. Some of the pricey items would be fatty fish, turkey, fresh cherries, in season fruits, and avocados. So, there is a real reason to eat healthy and clean.

Live on junk food and need pain killers that really won’t calm the pain. Or eat clean and have a mostly pain free life style with more energy to play outside. Treat yourself when you want, everything in moderation…

*When doing any kind of research about health online, you must have an open mind and don't take everything you read as fact. You have to keep looking until you find the right article or piece of information that actually feels right. It may take 20 minutes or it may take a few hours. Keep digging until it feels true.

*Im not a expert in the area of health; so please do you own research and talk to you physician before starting any vitamin supplements.

LD & CS

Its not uncommon that adults with learning disabilities aren't interested in customer service jobs. On the flip side, some are awesome at it. I have great respect for anyone who can deal with the public on a daily basis for work. Not everyone is wired for that kind of work. Me included!

Going to discuss the job industry and a weak Working Memory. Never be ashamed if you have a low score in the Working Memory. When 99% of the jobs require a strong working memory, the rest of us are trying to find other ways to make a living. My whole working career has forced me to find work in the customer service industry, because there is little else. The trick is to find the perfect fit so it doesn't over stress you and force you to quit after a few months or even a couple of years. The right fit is out there, whether it be working on cars, building homes or computer work. There are lots of tests out there that can help you find a good fit, but listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right from the start, it probably isn't. So, I encourage you to keep looking.

The strong Working Memory will open all kinds of doors for you. There are a couple of different ways i like to call strong working memory. The first is what I call a "Waitress Brain" because of the skill level in doing 15 things at once with 100% accuracy. Always, always tip the waitress! That is one tough job and the best make a great living at it. Whenever I dine out, I watch them in amazement on how easy they make it look. The second in a different industry is a "Receptionist Brain". That covers everyone who is on the front lines in the customer service industry, from Front Desk at a hotel to a Doctors office. Thinking on their feet, thinking ahead while doing 15 at the same time, again with 100% accuracy. You are greatly appreciated for what you do, that kind of skill in unique and be proud of it.

So, the best information I have for you is to really take a good look at your true abilities and seek out work in those areas. Even as a young adult fresh out of school, look for the one area that is perfect for you. Don't Give Up!

Magnesium

The discovery i made was shocking. My food craving where all energy fatty foods that so many of us spend huge money on. Hamburgers, fries, pop, too much coffee, lots and lots of sweets, etc... I was moody, tired all the time and hungry for the wrong foods. One night, I was woken up with extremely warm ears and it concerned me. So after about 20 minutes of researching online for something concrete, i learned i was suffering from Adrenal Fatigue at extreme levels. Learning that the low levels of magnesium in my body surprised me. Both women and men can suffer from AF if a better balance diet isn't addressed. My job at the time had me working long hours and no time to cook, which forced me go spend way too much many at fast food joints trying to eat healthy. It wasn't enough! This was a wake up call that i had to do better and that meant putting my foot down to actually get some real food in me while sitting down. They didn't like it much, but there isn't a job out there that is worth more than my health. I started to say ‘no' to covering everyone shifts so i could get control of my health. You can too!

With further research, i discovered that every part of the body needed it on a daily basis. From managing stress, sugar levels, sleep, and body aches. I take 500-750mg a day, depending on how i feel that day. I do take 500mg right before bed every night, which allows the body to fully absorb it. My personal reasons for taking it are back/neck pain, muscle cramps, family inherited health issues (diabetes & heart issues), and sugar cravings.

The long term damage done to the body when there is a constant deficiency is diabetes, depression, weaken bones, RLS, heart health, lungs, brain health and others. It maintains the health of the tissue in the body and allows absorption of proteins and other minerals. Please pay attention to your food cravings and see if you're getting enough magnesium. [source: organicfacts.net]

If you already take certain supplements by a certain company and you trust the company & product. Then you can add this so your daily needs can be met.

Not everyone reacts well with a pill form of mag and needs to get it from food. Which means, the daily intake is more work to ensure enough is getting into the body. Be sure to find what works best for you and your life style.

*Im not a expert in the area of health; so please do you own research and talk to you physician before starting any vitamin supplements.

Success & Support

This may be the most important piece I will write. The dynamics of the family can make or break the success of a school age student as an adult. There can be resentment from the other family members when it becomes clear that the student with learning disabilities starts to get extra attention from everyone around them. It’s No one’s fault! There can be frustration from the lack of support from the school administration or not knowing the right questions to ask to find the right help. As a parent of a student who is showing signs of struggling in school. You are the front line of defense for your child. You can make some calls to the area Psychological offices looking for someone who does Psychological Evaluations for Learning Disabilities. It is an all day test and does cost, but worth every dime. Minors as young as 18 months old can be tested to see where they’re struggling and strengths are. Once the test has been done and report is in hand, you now have some very important information for their success.

Now with a better understanding of how their brain works, the next step is on the adults and their approach. Especially word usage when it comes to emotional support. Whether your student wants to be an artist, an electrician, an astronaut or anything they want to be. Support them 1,000% on what ever it is, even if you don’t agree.

Here is an example; If they want to become a florist and you joyfully tell them to go ahead and do that. Then later on in their venture when learning all things plants and start to question them on their approach to success, question them on their ability on being successful at it to see if they’re serious about it or not will affect their self trust. It may seem minor while being the devils advocate thinking it would help them to open their eyes to be more successful. The problem with that thought process is you’re questioning their ability to be successful and instead talking them out of going after that dream. Don’t play the devils advocate with your children, no matter who they are. Don’t talk them into a business and then question them on their motives, approach and ability. They will spend their life working dead end jobs because they were questioned on everything they tried to do.

Here is another example; If the young adult wants to go to college and work towards a dream, say, small business management and the college degree is going to help them go after it. Do not make this statement: “Why, you don’t have enough experience!" Especially when the family is paying for this new found college degree. With so much question and doubt stated in those six words, the student (with low self-esteem already) won’t even bother trying. Why should they, the family doesn’t think they can be successful at it, why bother! Don’t be cruel.

For a student and adult with learning disability, there is no such thing as Positive Criticism. To us, it is an oxymoron and not proper english! It can either be criticism or compliments. Cant have both! So, the lesson here is word usage is very important to the success or failure of your student or adult! Don’t give up!

Life Changes

Well, this blog sees more traffic in a 72 hr period than the other one, so this one will be the only one I will be working on. I will post here what I had at the other one tomorrow. Its ok!!! Night all!

New Challenges

Well, I took the plunge and credit a new blog. It is very different from this one and I feel good about it. At some point down the road, I will connect the two. But for know, I will be working hard to improve the new one. It will be my secondary income, fingers crossed... Currently today, I'm fighting off some bug. With a bunch of tea and warm soups, get some rest I need on my only day off and feel better tomorrow to go back to work. Working 96 hours a week, half of which I am on-call. A good nights rest isn't possible. So, for me to wake up sick today makes me wonder why it took so long. The 72 remaining hours in a week is my free time for sleep and going to the store and other misc errands. There are days I feel like I'm in prison, because i can't leave. I have to stay here. Or I have to give up some sleep between 7am-3pm to go get food, etc... Its actually 7am-3:45pm, but the extra 45 minutes is to eat and get ready. I asked for a second evening off from being on-call so I can get some sleep and was told to sleep during the day. Which is impossible because of where I live. Yes, depression is always knocking on the door. Not sure how to get the changes I need so I feel like a human and not prisoner who gets yelled at a lot. Guess I needed to vent some. Time for more soup!

Earn extra cash working from home via blog. Thoughts?

Looking for some side work via at home to bring in some extra cash. Was thinking about working on my blog posts more and seeking thoughts about what would interest anyone. I can start a separate page for this to keep it different from this one. I'm passionate about many things, but little expertise in all of it. I love researching stuff and see what I can find. I have been researching work-from-home jobs, but 99% of them what someone who specializes in this or that. So, the blog is coming to mind. With that said, I have over 300 posts here and am wondering if any of them interest you and would like more information on any of them. I did have a page where I was posting about my homeless experiences and people I was meeting. Am always paying attention to foods, vitamins, minerals, etc and what they do for the body. Could concentrate on a different one each week. Would never claim to be an expert on any of it, but looking to share what I can to those who are interested. Can talk about the true personal struggles of living with Dyslexia as an adult. Could talk openly about being one the receiving end of narcissism abuse and the work it will take to recover; sorta like follow along. Would love to hear from you and I welcome emails. Thank You

The Woods Near Home

There is a picture on my desk top that helps me find solace. When I was a kid, I spent hours upon hours each day alone, in search of peace. There is a small part of me that wishes I was able to get some of that peace back. However, in truth, it really was never there even back then. Looking back on it, I was hiding from everyone who hated me, distrusted me, disliked me, verbally abused me, teased me, kicked me, locked me maintenance closets, people who lied to me repeatedly, etc... Just another ah-ha moment. Still able to find a younger self in the woods near my home in the picture seeking inner peace.

Hair Cuts

Everyone gets them on a regular basis and some go month or years between allowing some stranger handle their hair with a pair shears in their hand. My ah-ha moment yesterday was the fact that I'm now sporting my mother's hair cut. SO, here is the next life's wonder or thought. What to do with my hair? haha!!! Its very straight with no natural curl of any kind. It shows every cut the scissors make. With that said, I could either go really short and pay money every month to keep it short. Or continue to let it grow and get it long again, but not to the old length. One of life long questions, self expression! With the passing of my narcissist mother, I'm finding myself to be more playful in my look. No one should have to be afraid to express themselves in their look because of a narcissist parent is going to find fault with everything you do. Freely flip them the bird and do what you want.

Tax Season

All single adults with no dependents pay more into the irs than any other filing group. The refunds, if any, SUCK and its an insult to all. There are no credits, no help from the irs what-so-ever. A single person has to pay the whole boat in daily life and plus 8%-12% more into the irs. A single person should not be punished for choosing and not choosing to be single. The maximum amount of EIC for Singles' between income $6650 & $8350 at $510 credit. The EIC goes away completely once they've made $15,000. At $15,000 income for the MFJ (no dependents) is at $426. The $15k income with dependents (1,2,3) is as follows (for HOH, Widow, MFJ) $3,400; $5,616; $6,316. EIC goes away for all at $53,930 agi. The tax opposed by the irs for all groups at $15k is also very different. Single & MFS are the highest at $1,780. MFJ/Widow(er) gets the lowest at $1,498. HOH falls in the middle at $1,579. The tax rate on income $7,500 is the same for all groups at $753. It starts to change at $9,350+. The taxes need to be the same for all group across all incomes or credits need to be offered to single filers. But with the current moron potus we have, none of us will see any actual changes until the real math comes out in December. Meanwhile, we all live in limbo waiting to see how badly we get, um, insert your own cuss word... My taxes were so bizarre for last year, I had to pay to get them done. The fee came to about 48% of my total refund. Pretty sad. Not sure what will take to get real change within the irs, but it would help Millions of single filers and increase the ability to spend more money in daily life to fuel the economy. Right now, many of them are having to figure out how to buy the food needed, pay utilities and keep cars running just to get to work. That isn't a sound economy plan for the single filer plus the irs is forcing them to pay more.

Update

Lots going on and nothing to report, if that makes any sense! My phone rang the other night with family on the other end. First time anyone related to me has called to check on me since mom died. It was nice to hear it ring. Been working a lot and learning as much as I can each shift. Be kind to self!

Trying to Survive

Last night was a really bad night. I live in fear, depression, anxiety and I'm exhausted by it all. My family hates me, can't trust by three friends and I'm so alone. Please don't say mean things to your kids. Verbal abuse creates life long scars.

Surviving Narcissism & Real Life Struggle

Hello, it has been brought to my attention that I should write a detailed journal to publish later in life to show the work it took to heal, reprogram and learn to love myself to help others. That isnt going to be possible to do. Simply because Im unable to write down my thoughts when I want too. Im ok with that! I can say that leaving a "so-called" support group that is to help survivors like me has helped me a lot. The group leaders were practicing controlling behavior on what people could talk about. So, the abuse continued within the group. Maybe what I can do is bring to light the issues the survivor is dealing with either by choice or simply to just survive on this planet. The side affects from being treated or rather abused by a Narcissist are as follows: Low Self-Esteem, Low Self-Confidence, Extreme Self-Doubt, Second Guessing Everything One Does, Depression, PTSD, PNSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Self-Mutilation, Drinking, Drugs, Sexual Abuse, Multiple Sex Partners, Multiple Pregnancies (or Abortions due to not being with someone who can Love), Unhealthy Relationships, Self-Sabotage within the Work Place and Relationships with Loved Ones. And sadly, lastly, Suicide. If I think of others, I will add them in additional post. These survivors are NOT Crazy or Nuts and don't want to be treated as such. What they crave is to be Heard... A survivor does not deal with one or two of the above, but rather half a dozen or more. There is nothing that can be done about the abuser, the Narcissist. But there is plenty of support that can be openly given to the survivor. The reason why I use the word "Survivor" is because that is what we are. So, the way I see it, everyone on this planet has a responsibility to self-educate yourself on Narcissism Personality Disorder.

Glad 2017 is Gone

Hello All

Its been a very long year, personally. Long story short. Discovered my mother was a Narcissist and I've been emotionally, verbally and financially abused by her my whole life. I am now doing the work to recover, knowing it will take me years. After two months of trying to be the bigger person and let her comments "roll off my back" she noticed and upped her game. It got so bad that I was getting extremely depressed. She was ignoring me and telling lies about me to a point where I was forced to move out and go no contact. I had to start taking care of me. Learning that she thought so little of me and would never be able to love me the way a mother should brought tears to my eyes and broke my heart. This women I have devoted my life to help out never cared about me and didn't have the empathy to show me true compassion. Upon moving out, I was homeless for seven months with my doggy at my side. I have since found a place to live and a job. However the struggle to reprogram the years of abuse and nasty comments said to me continues. My Narcissist mom has since passed away. Will finish in a bit.