The recovery from abuse can be long and emotional draining sometimes, ok, most of the hours while the work is getting attention. Huge break throughs can come as a whisper and sneak by without stirring any dust. Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting, especially when you're aware of the game they play. The personal break through I had the other day was a slight breeze and took me 3 days to realize I had one.
A certain person called me a liar in their own special way. I spoke with an associate about a common issue we were having and they laughed and said that they spoke with her, implying I couldn't have. Its good thing I ask her to call them the next day to tell them the same things so it wasn't coming as hear-say from me. The break through was exhaling the stress from the insult and accepting myself and knowing the truth. The slight breeze was the exhale which took the stress, mind games, self talk and defensive behavior.
This morning, the whisper came as laughter witnessing the selfishness of the narcissism at work. The printer stopped communicating with a certain program on the computer. The only thing I didn't do was reboot the computer, because I wasn't sure that would fix it. Nothing could get printed and let them know last night. The response I got was they know how to fix it and will take care of it this am. When I spoke with them this am, I asked how they fixed it, they said they rebooted the computer. I was floored, but didn't say a word. Because I know the truth... The revenge was being told that rebooting the computer would fix a different type of office equipment, but it didn't. Because I knew from pervious conversations with IT that the computer couldn't fix it, because it was separate.
This whisper inside the slight breeze in a break though in healing and quieting the mind is knowing the truth and knowing that you no longer have to scream to be heard and make sure they hear your side. Simply knowing the truth in your heart is enough.
May 31, 2018
May 21, 2018
Appreciate the Daily Successes too
This is the long way around the tree to get to the daily successes, but the lesson learned to get there matters. In the search for the date I graduated from college, found a two page letter full of emotional abuse. Everything I had worked so hard to achieve was thrown in my face. Everything he had done for me, he threw in my face. Made me feel guilty for everything he had done for me and than demanded a weekly report of my job hunt, including names and phone numbers who I interviewed with. I didn't do as demanded, because I knew then it was wrong. Finding it again has reopened my eyes to the emotional abuse that I have received from him and everyone in my family. Not writing this to bash them, writing this to show that even after all these years, nothing has changed and its now up to me. For the first time, I feel free of them and even allowing myself to feel I have to work for their approval. Maybe I can finally appreciate all my own efforts of standing on my own, without asking them for help and doing it. I may be in a job I can't stand, but I haven't quit it either. I'm writing to encourage anyone who has been the target of verbal, emotional abuse, that they can stand on their own without the approval of others. Appreciate your daily achievements as well as the bigger ones. We get so side tracked on the working for the bigger goal, we forget to appreciate the smaller daily ones. Even if it means starting from the basics, like getting the kitchen clean after putting it off just to make others mad because they ordered you to do it. Or cleaning out the closet for a thrift store trip to thin out the clothes-shoes-hand bags you don't use anymore. And lastly, being an amazing parent and getting the kids ready for school and out the door on time each day, even those days your late.
May 10, 2018
Inner Strength
I Am a Survivor! I am a survivor of Narcissistic abuse. I continue to read, search, reflect and learn to love myself. The most amazing part of it is the road blocks and mountains of doubt that has been told to me all these years. The fear of rejection from others and the isolation that is easier to deal with. I love talking to people and I am good at it. But I also love my solo time. I have chores to get done for my job search and the most depressing part is looking at jobs available and knowing from the job descriptions that I don’t have the skill. The fight-or-flight kicks in and I just want to hide. I have to get out of this job and into something else, but the road blocks and deep seeded self-doubt that I will ever be successful can be over-whelming.
If you’re looking at it from the outside and don’t have a clear understanding about the scaring from a narcissist, you will only hear them “complaining”. In fact, the so-called complaining are real living scars the survivor is dealing with; every minute, every hour, every day. Do not ever tell a survivor of a narcissist abuser to “get over it!” because they can’t. It's not a light switch that can be turned off and all things are normal. It took years of a certain language from the narcissist to change the way the Target thinks about all things. It will take years for the Target to rewrite the language so the Target is a strong successful survivor. My writings are to help myself and hope that I can help give someone inner strength to stand strong.
Somehow, I find ways to fight through the fear to handle most struggles. The one I have yet to conquer is looking for work. It can be crippling for me and test the boundaries of my depression to new heights. I don’t talk about it much, because I’m still finding the right wording to explain it to myself, much less to others. Especially when I’m not trying to place blame onto others. I’m going to try to put it into words, please forgive me if it comes out wrong. It is a process I’m still working on. Those closest to me would do one of two things when I would share about my job searches. They would either cheer me on or talk me out of it with some line that I didn’t have the skills. If I did land something, thinking I’ll be good at it and maybe even successful at. Later down the road, those same people would start to play devils advocate with me in the thought process that it would help me. When all it was doing was increase the self doubt in my abilities to be successful in the current job. My abilities are questioned and I start to wonder if I’m able to do anything successfully. The other side to the issue is getting a job and discovering later my boss is a narcissist and is holding me back, either in income, zero advancement, or making sure to insult me every day because they don’t like the way I do something or simply because I show compassion for others.
Been working 30 years and shamefully no real skills other than customer service, which I hate with every cell in my body. But that doesn’t have anything to do with the abuse. That is 100% a limitation from my Dyslexia in the Working Memory. So, between the self doubt from outside verbal programing and the learning disability; the struggles are real! The more self aware a person can become, the easier it will be to heal in the areas that change can happen. And for me, find work that is better suited for my Dyslexia.
One of the fight or flight I’m working on is not reacting by quitting this job, because of my inner dialog. Walking away from this job would put me back on the street and that is a depressing (to tears) thought process. One of the things that helps me fight and not flight is how I eat. Limit my coffee intake, zero processed food as a daily but only as the occasional treat, same goes for sodas, and limit my liquor to as a reward only. Dark chocolate covered almonds, soy milk, coconut sugar and honey as sweeteners. Basically eat clean and happy carbs. Some days the tears still come, but I try to keep moving forward.
If you’re looking at it from the outside and don’t have a clear understanding about the scaring from a narcissist, you will only hear them “complaining”. In fact, the so-called complaining are real living scars the survivor is dealing with; every minute, every hour, every day. Do not ever tell a survivor of a narcissist abuser to “get over it!” because they can’t. It's not a light switch that can be turned off and all things are normal. It took years of a certain language from the narcissist to change the way the Target thinks about all things. It will take years for the Target to rewrite the language so the Target is a strong successful survivor. My writings are to help myself and hope that I can help give someone inner strength to stand strong.
Somehow, I find ways to fight through the fear to handle most struggles. The one I have yet to conquer is looking for work. It can be crippling for me and test the boundaries of my depression to new heights. I don’t talk about it much, because I’m still finding the right wording to explain it to myself, much less to others. Especially when I’m not trying to place blame onto others. I’m going to try to put it into words, please forgive me if it comes out wrong. It is a process I’m still working on. Those closest to me would do one of two things when I would share about my job searches. They would either cheer me on or talk me out of it with some line that I didn’t have the skills. If I did land something, thinking I’ll be good at it and maybe even successful at. Later down the road, those same people would start to play devils advocate with me in the thought process that it would help me. When all it was doing was increase the self doubt in my abilities to be successful in the current job. My abilities are questioned and I start to wonder if I’m able to do anything successfully. The other side to the issue is getting a job and discovering later my boss is a narcissist and is holding me back, either in income, zero advancement, or making sure to insult me every day because they don’t like the way I do something or simply because I show compassion for others.
Been working 30 years and shamefully no real skills other than customer service, which I hate with every cell in my body. But that doesn’t have anything to do with the abuse. That is 100% a limitation from my Dyslexia in the Working Memory. So, between the self doubt from outside verbal programing and the learning disability; the struggles are real! The more self aware a person can become, the easier it will be to heal in the areas that change can happen. And for me, find work that is better suited for my Dyslexia.
One of the fight or flight I’m working on is not reacting by quitting this job, because of my inner dialog. Walking away from this job would put me back on the street and that is a depressing (to tears) thought process. One of the things that helps me fight and not flight is how I eat. Limit my coffee intake, zero processed food as a daily but only as the occasional treat, same goes for sodas, and limit my liquor to as a reward only. Dark chocolate covered almonds, soy milk, coconut sugar and honey as sweeteners. Basically eat clean and happy carbs. Some days the tears still come, but I try to keep moving forward.
May 2, 2018
Business Consultant, Possibilities!
Been knocking some ideas around to create income that would allow me to work at home part of the time. Small Business Consultant that specializes in Analysis of the business and solve issues that might be costing future customers. Pushing through my fear to see if its something that I could do and possibly make a living at. Don't have it all worked out, but am letting my mind flow with ideas and get some research done. I know it can be done, people are doing it all over the country. I have close to 6,000 hrs of running a small business with a profit. I know its possible and I have to remind myself that I can do it.
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