CPTSD

Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder: "Adults with C-PTSD have sometimes experienced prolonged interpersonal traumatization beginning in childhood, rather than, or as well as, in adulthood. These early injuries interrupt the development of a robust sense of self and of others." (source Wikipedia)

Get out of your own head PARENTS and pay attention to your kids... An adult should never learn that their mental illness is because their family ignored them when they were too little to know that they should be loved... Its Mother's day this weekend and its everyone's job, not just the 'mommy' in the house to dote over their children. Ignoring your offspring is a CHOSEN BEHAVIOR! STOP it Already!!!

Google it if you don't believe me!

'Tis the Season for Shopping

It's here again, the gift of spending way too much money on stuff none of us need and a few things we do. When common sense goes out the window about over spending. Don't panic. Just know that its about Giving, joy, laughter, and memories. My personal trick to shopping is looking for the best item before I spend a dime and don't shop after 1pm. Have fun!!!

51 jobs in 31 years

Frustration & family can the same word. Should I be using frustration instead of family, probably most of the time. My family has helped. They have helped me with conditions I am ordered to fulfill first. The limitations from my dyslexia are real and yet many around me don't hear me and treat it as I am using it as an excuse. Fifty-One (51) jobs in the last 31 years should scream that the limitation from the dyslexia is REAL. As I keep remembering the other jobs I forgot about, the 51 could increase. So, the frustration & family do get used a lot, because there could be more emotional support and genuine support & advice while HEARING what I'm saying. I have a college degree because of family, I'm sleeping in my car (& not under a bridge) because family, I'm working on this computer because of family, able to read books on my iPad because of family. SO, yes, they have helped me. However, there are other ways I need their help. Actual-Tangible help with getting me lined up on work that I can actually DO and succeed in doing. So, yes, I've asked many many times and not sure what the correct word should be used on the lack of response. Is it their short-coming, not really, its all of us as a team not being able to work together, while speaking the same language so everyone is equally heard. My word choice is different from theirs, so being heard is frustrating for all parties... After digging into my memory banks about all my jobs, the number is actually 48. But none the less still way too many jobs for someone who has struggle with dyslexia.

I'm Still Here

Well, I do seem to ghost my blog from time to time. It gets hard to write, especially all I have is my phone. My computer is fixed and I'm back on track, so to speak, to get an income again. I haven't stopped looking for work. Just facing the fact that my Dyslexia has been affecting my ability to get and hold down jobs. Multitasking isn't my friend and never has been. So, that means no customer service jobs. And my feet are keeping me from getting jobs that would would put me on them.

Turning 50 Years

Well, when someone turns 50, they take a close look at everything in their life. The thinking about where one should be and isn't. First of all, that is the first mistake; comparing yourself to others what they've accomplished by the time they reach 50. Like being rich, POTUS, skinny, movie star, rock star, race car driver, etc...

Instead, look at all you have accomplished instead. Having a family by choice, a mortgage by choice, car of choice, and all the things you have done. No matter how small or large. Those are your true successes and the best part is, they are Yours alone. Buy a flower or a dinner out or something to reward yourself, today. Doesn't have to be an expensive car or diamonds or a high ticket item. It just needs to be something simple you can enjoy Today. Yesterday is in the history and tomorrow hasn't been written yet... So, enjoy Today.

If bankruptcy, medical issues, physical or emotional abuse have been written into your book of life. If you're reading this, you have survived it. You Are a Survivor! You made it out the other side of the fight for your life. Hugs!

If homeless has been a constant circle of starting from scratch and getting back on your feet. Take a closer look at why. Not at the blame or what ever language that you're telling yourself. Learning Disabilities, Emotional abuse from others, Fear, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, etc... Think through those and really look at them. Without the blame or anger or assumptions. Forgive yourself on the failures that you think are yours. Forgive those who didn't know they were abusing you. Forgive Yourself!

When feeling down or not worthy or what ever language you tell yourself, remember that everyone else around you is doing today for the first time, just like you. Watch the grass wave in the wind, the clouds make shapes in the sky, and puppies jumping around being silly. Breath in and out and let your heart feel it. You can have a good cry, everyone needs one every once in while, but not live there. Don't Ever Give UP!!!

Hugs

Old Memories

Memories can be tough when they come back into the front page of the day. Yesterday evening, I was at a stop location for a homeless van to get some free batteries for a few flash lights I have. I had inside information that they would be there, so I sat and waited. The 90 minutes or so I waited became emotionally painful. It became very clear that I was homeless and I was alone. I felt like I was 21 all over again. See, thats the first time I was homeless with the help from my family. I was thrown out because I couldn't hold down a job, because of my dyslexia. I ended up in a homeless shelter and no help from my family. Its like they washed their hands of me back than. This time, I have a car, a mix of job skills, bad feet, Dyslexia (no customer service) and again no help from my family. Here I am trying to learn to love myself for the first time and my family are so good at treating me like I'm stupid (like always) that i am once again treading water in depression. This time I'm working with a special group that is helping me find work that is better suited for me. Needless to say, last night was rough. So, the lesson here is, you can't give up on your kids no matter what.

Changes

Life as we all know must change so we can start fresh and free from what bonds us... That is the first thing that came to mind today when I woke in the back seat of my car as my dog recovers from her unscheduled vet visit yesterday. As I continue to find a pt job and find ways to learn new skills so I can increase my income from home (or library).

Yes, I quit my job and ruined their summer. I got sick of the continues verbal abuse from the boss. He's a narcissist...

Healing Comes in a Whisper

The recovery from abuse can be long and emotional draining sometimes, ok, most of the hours while the work is getting attention. Huge break throughs can come as a whisper and sneak by without stirring any dust. Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting, especially when you're aware of the game they play. The personal break through I had the other day was a slight breeze and took me 3 days to realize I had one.

A certain person called me a liar in their own special way. I spoke with an associate about a common issue we were having and they laughed and said that they spoke with her, implying I couldn't have. Its good thing I ask her to call them the next day to tell them the same things so it wasn't coming as hear-say from me. The break through was exhaling the stress from the insult and accepting myself and knowing the truth. The slight breeze was the exhale which took the stress, mind games, self talk and defensive behavior.

This morning, the whisper came as laughter witnessing the selfishness of the narcissism at work. The printer stopped communicating with a certain program on the computer. The only thing I didn't do was reboot the computer, because I wasn't sure that would fix it. Nothing could get printed and let them know last night. The response I got was they know how to fix it and will take care of it this am. When I spoke with them this am, I asked how they fixed it, they said they rebooted the computer. I was floored, but didn't say a word. Because I know the truth... The revenge was being told that rebooting the computer would fix a different type of office equipment, but it didn't. Because I knew from pervious conversations with IT that the computer couldn't fix it, because it was separate.

This whisper inside the slight breeze in a break though in healing and quieting the mind is knowing the truth and knowing that you no longer have to scream to be heard and make sure they hear your side. Simply knowing the truth in your heart is enough.

Appreciate the Daily Successes too

This is the long way around the tree to get to the daily successes, but the lesson learned to get there matters. In the search for the date I graduated from college, found a two page letter full of emotional abuse. Everything I had worked so hard to achieve was thrown in my face. Everything he had done for me, he threw in my face. Made me feel guilty for everything he had done for me and than demanded a weekly report of my job hunt, including names and phone numbers who I interviewed with. I didn't do as demanded, because I knew then it was wrong. Finding it again has reopened my eyes to the emotional abuse that I have received from him and everyone in my family. Not writing this to bash them, writing this to show that even after all these years, nothing has changed and its now up to me. For the first time, I feel free of them and even allowing myself to feel I have to work for their approval. Maybe I can finally appreciate all my own efforts of standing on my own, without asking them for help and doing it. I may be in a job I can't stand, but I haven't quit it either. I'm writing to encourage anyone who has been the target of verbal, emotional abuse, that they can stand on their own without the approval of others. Appreciate your daily achievements as well as the bigger ones. We get so side tracked on the working for the bigger goal, we forget to appreciate the smaller daily ones. Even if it means starting from the basics, like getting the kitchen clean after putting it off just to make others mad because they ordered you to do it. Or cleaning out the closet for a thrift store trip to thin out the clothes-shoes-hand bags you don't use anymore. And lastly, being an amazing parent and getting the kids ready for school and out the door on time each day, even those days your late.

Inner Strength

I Am a Survivor! I am a survivor of Narcissistic abuse. I continue to read, search, reflect and learn to love myself. The most amazing part of it is the road blocks and mountains of doubt that has been told to me all these years. The fear of rejection from others and the isolation that is easier to deal with. I love talking to people and I am good at it. But I also love my solo time. I have chores to get done for my job search and the most depressing part is looking at jobs available and knowing from the job descriptions that I don’t have the skill. The fight-or-flight kicks in and I just want to hide. I have to get out of this job and into something else, but the road blocks and deep seeded self-doubt that I will ever be successful can be over-whelming.

If you’re looking at it from the outside and don’t have a clear understanding about the scaring from a narcissist, you will only hear them “complaining”. In fact, the so-called complaining are real living scars the survivor is dealing with; every minute, every hour, every day. Do not ever tell a survivor of a narcissist abuser to “get over it!” because they can’t. It's not a light switch that can be turned off and all things are normal. It took years of a certain language from the narcissist to change the way the Target thinks about all things. It will take years for the Target to rewrite the language so the Target is a strong successful survivor. My writings are to help myself and hope that I can help give someone inner strength to stand strong.

Somehow, I find ways to fight through the fear to handle most struggles. The one I have yet to conquer is looking for work. It can be crippling for me and test the boundaries of my depression to new heights. I don’t talk about it much, because I’m still finding the right wording to explain it to myself, much less to others. Especially when I’m not trying to place blame onto others. I’m going to try to put it into words, please forgive me if it comes out wrong. It is a process I’m still working on. Those closest to me would do one of two things when I would share about my job searches. They would either cheer me on or talk me out of it with some line that I didn’t have the skills. If I did land something, thinking I’ll be good at it and maybe even successful at. Later down the road, those same people would start to play devils advocate with me in the thought process that it would help me. When all it was doing was increase the self doubt in my abilities to be successful in the current job. My abilities are questioned and I start to wonder if I’m able to do anything successfully. The other side to the issue is getting a job and discovering later my boss is a narcissist and is holding me back, either in income, zero advancement, or making sure to insult me every day because they don’t like the way I do something or simply because I show compassion for others.

Been working 30 years and shamefully no real skills other than customer service, which I hate with every cell in my body. But that doesn’t have anything to do with the abuse. That is 100% a limitation from my Dyslexia in the Working Memory. So, between the self doubt from outside verbal programing and the learning disability; the struggles are real! The more self aware a person can become, the easier it will be to heal in the areas that change can happen. And for me, find work that is better suited for my Dyslexia.

One of the fight or flight I’m working on is not reacting by quitting this job, because of my inner dialog. Walking away from this job would put me back on the street and that is a depressing (to tears) thought process. One of the things that helps me fight and not flight is how I eat. Limit my coffee intake, zero processed food as a daily but only as the occasional treat, same goes for sodas, and limit my liquor to as a reward only. Dark chocolate covered almonds, soy milk, coconut sugar and honey as sweeteners. Basically eat clean and happy carbs. Some days the tears still come, but I try to keep moving forward.

Business Consultant, Possibilities!

Been knocking some ideas around to create income that would allow me to work at home part of the time. Small Business Consultant that specializes in Analysis of the business and solve issues that might be costing future customers. Pushing through my fear to see if its something that I could do and possibly make a living at. Don't have it all worked out, but am letting my mind flow with ideas and get some research done. I know it can be done, people are doing it all over the country. I have close to 6,000 hrs of running a small business with a profit. I know its possible and I have to remind myself that I can do it.

Self Acceptance with Learning Disabilities

The universal struggle of the job, career, employment does affect every single of us! I have written about it 50 times, even with some complaining. Ok, maybe a lot of complaining.

The fact that I'm a Dyslexic and have always been proud of it, never stopped me in the search for the perfect fit. However, I wasn't paying attention to my strengths and my weaknesses in the results of the test done 15 years ago. Finally accepting my true limitations like a low score in what they call Working Memory has always affected me on many of my jobs. It has always been a challenge for in my jobs in customer service. So, what I'm going to do is post the important scores to help anyone who is unsure of the limitations we may face. Now, my scores are my scores. They will be very different for each person who gets tested. The scores and percentages are all on the 100+ or 100% scale in skill level. Numbers listed will be Score, Precent with age group, and where I fall in the group.

Verbal IQ: 92, 30%, Average
Performance IQ: 98, 45%, Average
Full Scale IQ: 95, 37%, Average.
Verbal Comprehension: 94, 34%, Average
Perceptual Organization: 103, 58%, Average
*Working Memory: 86, 18%, Low Average
Similarities: 11, Average
*Analyze: 13, High Average

There are more scores, but these are the ones that matter. The ones on the surface and the ones not listed is who I am on the job market. No self pity, just finally a full understanding of my struggles for the past 30 years.

My lowest or biggest struggle is Passage Comprehension & Dictation at 11%. My highest or best assets are Science (analyze) at 46%.

Here is my message to all parents who have little ones who have been diagnosed or are struggling. Pay close attention to the scores and help them find work where their Strengths or Strongest areas are used on their career. And what ever you do, DO Not Ever Tell Them They Can't Go After that career choice because They Don't Have the Experience! My father did that to me and if he had been more supportive and realizing that the only way I can get experience is by doing it, I would be in a different place in my life right now. With his statement, it stopped me in my tracks that I would never be successful in the career I feel capable of making money at. Sadly, I've stayed in the wrong job market for the past 12 years (post-college degree)! Struggling with homelessness, financially broke and low self-esteem. Be careful of what you say to others.

My best asset is Problem Solving and coming up with solutions on the most basic of levels. We have become a nation where we only think about the bigger picture while ignoring the feet under the bigger picture or body. I've had conversations with politicians about the basic problems that face this nation and the people in it and they have forgotten the feet under the body of issues. That subject was about Affordable Housing. My point here is that the body can't get fixed if the feet are ignore. That is my best asset.

Tangible Rewards

The easy mistake is the thinking that you have to spend big money to treat yourself to something nice every once in awhile. The truth is, you don't. Case in point; the picture of flowers here is my self treat I bought last week for $4.42, down from $30.00.

Depression

There are lots of guesses and assumptions about why a person suffers from it. I read a quote this morning that got me thinking about it more closely. The quote put the blame on the person for being depressed. Know that a good diet is part of good health as well as mental health is important. Anyone who is growing up knows how difficult it is to get a perfect balance of foods into a child or even as an adult. Putting a traumatic event with a missing item in the diet can be enough to make change in the brain. I know it seems far fetched, but it could be the real reason why so many just can't get over what it bothering them. The change could be permanent in the brain. With this being the possible truth to it, work to be happy(er) most of the time is on the person. There are drugs on the market to help keep the serotonin in check. But thats only one thing out of many a person can do to help themselves.

A balance diet as often as possible, limited alcohol, plenty of sleep, at least a 20 minute walk everyday. There are excuses for all of those, but there are ways to do each of them. A small food budget, but spending it on junk food doesn't work. A small food budget means creating new ways to buy food smartly and making it go as far as possible. Living off ramen doesn't count... If buying fresh veggies is futile because they goes bad before you get it consumed, consider buying frozen veggies. They work great for soups, adding food to pizzas and other cooking ideas. Plus it has a long freezer life. Alcohol actually increases the depression symptoms 100-fold and makes it harder to come out of it. When you're really down, just stay away from it, its not worth it. Make a personal rule to only enjoy the adult beverages when you're having a good day. Now days, getting enough sleep with the demands on the job, many of us are lucky to get 6 hours a night. That isn't enough for anyone! Insomnia is a sign of a poor diet and not enough Magnesium. Unless you're physically handicap and bed ridden, there are no excuses to find a way to walk for 20 minutes. Stuck at home, you can come up with a path within the house where you can walk it for 20 minutes nonstop. A few extras, have your morning coffee outside in the fresh air. Open the windows to your house and let the fresh air in, the air inside is dirtier than it is outside. Enjoy some dark chocolate and a supreme pizza (with everything one it). Limit the bad carbs and replace them with good carbs. And lastly, give yourself some slack and be human. Buy yourself some flowers once a while, even discounted bouqets are still alive. Take a long hot shower, everyday, it does wonders.

I have my bad days too and have to remind myself take to care of me, even with tears running from my eyes.