Tiny house vs. Roommate

Watching a rerun of 60 minutes last night about the bank foreclosure and kids with their parents are getting put out on the street just turned my stomach. It sure rang home to my current situation. Unable to find a place I can afford to live on my income. Landlords are as greedy as the bankers. With a 3 month waiting list for affordable housing from the county/state and giving them full control of how much I will be able to earn aka putting a thumb on my potential of earnings, also turns my stomach. Earn too much and they take the place from you and/or hand you a back bill for a year's worth of rent they helped pay. With sub temps and no desire to freeze my ass off in my car, I'm forced to pay weekly hotel rent, which kills my budget. I'm busting my butt to keep me 911 savings intact, but it is hard. Zero housing options that I can afford and don't know anyone who is looking for a roommate. There is a 3bd, 1ba I could afford with a roommate, but don't know who would go in on it with me. Not apposed to having a roommate, my schedule makes me a good one, I'm gone when others work 9-5 shifts. Been trying for weeks to figure out a way to afford the cost of a small tiny house build. Then it occurred to me that I may have better chance at asking my friends for a small amount each to help me get it built. I've looked at the fund raising sites online and I just don't feel comfortable with them. I found an 8x12 possible shed convert to tiny house that would work great for me. There would be areas I couldn't cut corners, but many others where I can. A roof over my head that would always be mine is all I want.

Emotional Blackmail

It is one of the biggest ways you can hurt your friends and loved ones. And it is just plain silly to make someone feel like a piece of poopoo to build your own ego. Everyone have value, everyone is important, everyone has the right to be happy. Emotional Blackmail is cruel and is highly habit forming by others and can only be slowed to a stop be the person who is the blackmailer. In my discovery here of late, I have found that I've been a receiver of EB and to my embarrassment also a blackmailer to some degree. I'm working on me and have no control over how others close to me treat me or feel about me. I'm healing me for me. If they want to see positive change in me, they will also have to embark change of both EB behavior as well grasp passive aggressive, they do go hand-in-hand. 

This holiday season, if your family is insane with fights, insults, and all the side affects that come with them. Move off into the corner of room and observe what is actually happening, the pattern of words and try not to cry as it all becomes clear to you that everyone is in reaction mode to the pattern of the chosen words.

Now, I buy books. You know those things that you walk into an actual bookstore to buy. Yep those. For me, they are an investment, something I won't simply give away once I'm done with it. My lastest book is Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, Ph.D. It will make you open your ears and rethink everything you hear and say, for the better. We, as a community, really don't need to be nasty-mean-hateful-cruel to each other. It actually is a choice we can make.

Fear

Obligation

Guilt...

(should be)

Funny

Observant

Greatness...

(instead).

Life's Challenges

Well, a lot has happened since my last post. For the sanity of myself and for everyone else, I moved out! The fights are too much and the ignoring my continued requests to stop the behavior, that was intentional, I could no longer take it. Between the unskilled 'healthcare' aide and the already in place well trained a life time of behavioral patterns, its a loosing battle. So, I took a complete step back from the job I moved down here to do.

With some research and looking in the mirror, I've discovered that I'm text book (unloved, unapproved) passive aggression. So, the work begins to reshape who I am so I can love the outside me as well as the inside me! I've always known that I had to fight, scream and yell to be finally be heard within the group I was born into, but never dreamed that they're the ones who made me who I am and this person I hate. I'm not angry at them, I only pity them for not taking more care in who they are as well. I've been working on me for most of my life so I can be this incredible person and finding out that I'm not, really made me cry. I've had my moments of depression, self pity and pure frustration about this whole mess. So, the work beings to change 40+ years of this behavioral training and reshape my personality into someone I Love and Like.

On top of all that, with the difference between the rent I can afford and the prices of what is available, it looks like my stay in a warm hotel room is going to end and I'm back to car camping. I don't forfeit on my bills to pay rent!

No matter what is going on, find ways to love You!

Feeling Trapped

Even with the new understanding of the verbal abuse I get in front of other people is from the dementia. The need to belittle me in front of people, I'm not strong enough. Too many magazines in the house and I'm asked to remove one box of misc baking items from the kitchen so the yelling of too many magazines isn't directed at them. Maybe I need to buy a dorm frig and put it in my room and I'm not taking up room in the frig. That is how I feel right now. The only food items I have it the kitchen is in the frig. All my dry goods are in my room so I have food to eat that fit my allergies. When I have food in the kitchen, it gets eaten. Hate hate hate the feeling of being this trapped. I have a job I love and unable to support myself on the income from it. I'm just not strong enough of the continues verbal abuse because it sport. Guess it's time to figure out how to make plan b speed up for me.

Frustration

Today is one of those days where i find i cant do anything right and end up making everyone mad at me. Its a day where im not allowed to speak or ask for anything that would make me a better caregiver. All that is seen is the crazy view that its all about me and everything i do is for this person. You know the 'give a mouse a cracker!' ? Well this person i love is the mouse. 

The most frustrating thing for me is that Im seen as a really bad pain in the ass and it hurts.

Caregivers

The first move as a caregiver is to take care of self! That goes for getting out once a week and visiting your favorite pub or brewery spot. Visit with friends and having some laughs.

Dementia

Dementia has found its way into my house. If only we could get an official evaluation to have a clear picture, but that isn't going to happen. Denial is easier to live with. The situation was so stressful and zero emotional support from all parties, I was days from moving out and leaving the area. Just to keep myself sane and not depressed. I was crying all the time for the wrong reasons and couldn't talk to anyone about it. 

With some luck, I was able to talk to somebody who specializes in memory loss and they educated me on the three main areas that get damaged as we age and what their jobs are in our daily lives. With the new education I was able to know what was causing some many of the issues. And I was getting the blame for everything that was wrong. It was nice to know the real reason why she was screaming at me and not everyone else. 

Everyone who is involved with taking care of my mom still isn't on the same page, but with the new care plan, maybe it will solve some of the issues. If you have aging parents or spouses or sibilings, educate yourself on the brain and memory loss as we age.

Not sure why all my posts are from the 'life between homes' blog, when this is published from the primary blog.

Tend to Self

Haven't been here much lately. Life has been busy, between work and tending to aging parent. Sadly, I rely way too much on the emails that are connected to my phone. So, not much time to actually turn on my computer and get online. Work is going great and having a ton of fun. Enjoy my days off as much as my days working. Think that is the way its suppose to be in life. With friend's mom's dying off around me, it makes a person think about making sure all ducks in a row so others don't have to tend to my bills, etc... Interesting how life circles back around. All the cool things I've done in my life and I find myself right back in this bedroom. My message today is tend to your personal health for everyone around you, tend to your end-of-life-care for everyone around you, tend to your emotional health for everyone around you. If you're over weight and haven't been to the doctor lately, do you have a life insurance policy to help pay for the financial needs of your loved ones you've left behind? Tend to your health now so you can see your grand-babies... Hugs

Sun Signs

I have a very good friend who makes me laugh, blush and just be plain silly with. Sadly, our sun signs keep creating clashes between us that take a couple of years to bury and mend and we run the cycle all over again. Once again, we're on the end of this chapter of laughs and it bugs me. Each time it feels like it will be the last time we will speak just as this one does.

So, the lesson here is if you have a buddy you love to hang out with and also have brutal clashes, really take a look at both of your sun signs to see where the problems lay. It may surprise you. The lessons don't have ideas on how to solve the conflicts, those need to come from your heart. Sadly there aren't even the right words to assure the buddy that this too will pass, because just maybe it wont. Have to look past the name calling and anger to really see if you will always love them for who they are even without the daily chats or texts or laughs.

A Real Man For Me

Today is one of those days where I wonder where I would be if I was lucky enough to have a life with one of three of the men in my life I knew years ago. One married a lady who not only has a career, but a love for that career. Another one also married a lady who has the same love for her career. The ones that find me or seek me out are not the ones I would ever marry much less have kids with. I have very good guy friends and that is what they will remain, good friends. I would never complicate it by getting romantic. "If it aint broke, don't fix it!!!" The third guy chased his career and found his lady along the way. I guess I wasn't suppose to be with any of them. But I don't have the confidence to visit them and stay at their house in the guest room either. These three guys are the real men and love for their wife, their family and career. None of them would ever even consider stepping out on her and that is what I so desire in my life. These three couples are happy and comfortable in their life and I envy that. I keep telling myself that someday I would find this guy for myself, but I've been waiting for more then 20 years now. Have a good week!

Grieving for a Friend

Evening and sorry for it being so long in between posts.

I'm trying to find my way thru something brand new to me; and that is the death of someone I knew and respected; my friend's mom is now gone. I'm not family or married into the family. We are friends. I too miss this women and only want to share and laugh about the silly things she did in her life. The strange thing is that each time I ask when is a good time to come by and visit, my questions go unanswered and I'm left to wonder. He is grieving and I totally respect that, I too am grieving and the only person I can talk to is him. He has huge life changing decisions to be making and I respect that. But every time I ask what I think is a simple question turns out to be a heavy question for him. We don't talk on the phone, which is part of the issue, so we are in the middle of something and we text instead. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't know for sure, I just know I have feelings too and at a loss to voice them. Thus, I am here again, my only real outlet.

This is new to me. Not everyone has experience in deaths around them.