What to do...

This will be a vent session for me. Too much bottled up stuff! Guess I'll start here; last night someone who works for my mom bought us dinner last night and it was terrible. I thanked them for spending their money on dinner and they appreciated it. Later I found out that my mother (as usual voiced her disapproval, of everything) had not thanked them for dinner. If I had eaten that meal and didn't thank this person, mom would have insulted me in front of them. I'm insulted that she feels she can do what ever she wants. I used to buy her clothes when I was in the city and I stopped because she found fault with everything I spent money on. Onward! My family is very PA (passive aggressive) and it makes me sad. I'm criticized for hiding in my room to allow mom and the aides have some time alone or I'm made to feel like a 3rd wheel by mom when I'm visiting too long. So, I'm pretty much in the wrong all the time. Last night, a memory came to mind about what I wanted to do with my business education. I was telling my dad about my idea and you know what he said; "You don't have enough experience to do that!" So, I didn't do that and here I am, flat broke, at my moms so I'm not on the street and disowned by everyone in my family but my mom, because they see me as a failure. Feeling pretty crushed and beat down. I apply for jobs and everyone gives me the same response, "thanks but not hiring right now', even though they're running a help wanted ad in the paper. No idea where to go from here...

Not Much Sleep

When I got here, it felt okay to be here. But last night I learned that the only person who wants me around is my mom. The family, the help, the neighbors and many others do not. I deleted pretty much the rest of my family from my social media accounts and down to a handful of friends. What makes me sad is the realization is that no one in my family wants me around. For most of the night I struggled with this information and tried to figure out what if any options I have. Stay and continue to be in their face until my Mother passes or leave and break her heart, which would make them happy that I left and mad at me for breaking her heart. If I left, I would be cutting all ties with all of them. My life sucks on either way I go...

Post Election

Well, here we are! Post Election... It took me a few days to absorb, process and figure out what I plan to do. Since I now have a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder, all the jobs I used to be able to do are no more. I could drive, but there isn't a company I want to drive for. So, I have to find more, what one would call 'lazy' or rather all brian and no physical work. Since I live in a pot friendly state, maybe I can go roll doobies for a living...

On a more heart breaking note, I'm watching families split apart because of this election. Mine was already messed up, so no major changes there. But families who were once 'healthy' in their own right are sending or getting emails, texts or calls telling someone they love that they have been disowned because they didn't stand by the family and vote the 'correct' way. It never occurred to me that families would dismiss their own children because the way they voted. But it is happening and has been happening since tuesday night. I say parents, because they are the ones who are doing it most. I wish I had all the answers but I don't. I do know that our parents were raised to think a certain way and we can't change them on any planet. We have to take care of ourselves emotionally and that may even mean not traveling home for the holidays this month or next. I do support that if that is what you need to do to take care of you. Love trumps Hate is suppose to start at home, not be the starting place for it to fall apart. I'm not only scared for myself, I'm scared for anyone who is 'different'. So this I ask of all humans in this country and around the world. Stand up to those who are being belittling by others and stand up for yourself. It is our right! Hugs

12 Hrs a Week is a Waste of Time...

Have been very blessed to have this place to live in, if only the job and hours had fallen into place. They told me they would train me in a different department this coming week, but they haven't contacted me about when I start. I owe rent and I'm so broke, I'm having to pay a bill with my cc and I have no memory of ever having to do that before. If you are a business owner and your employee (new or old) comes to you asking to be trained in a different department because they need the hours, they're doing it because they are hours or days from getting evicted. No one can live off 12 hours a week and you don't want them to work another job because of scheduling issues. If you want them exclusively, than you need to give them the hours they need to pay bills.

Where the h*** am I...

Now for my boohoo vent session... haha!!! For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm stupid at a job. Its amazing... Truly, have no brain... I talked to the owner yesterday while doing errands and it sounded like they may move me to a different part of the business. If they do, I will learn all I can and with some luck, be Virgo about it and become good at it. My resume shows a ton of experience in lots of different industries. It's not a driving job (shuttling customers), but maybe I can find Peace in the job. With the feeling of being stupid, it does hurt me, because I know I'm not. I know I'm misunderstood and have been my whole life. I'm extremely lucky to have a place to live, even though panic sets in every time I think about how much money I owe them. Even if I packed up and moved out, I still owe them money. I'm flat broke, buying the food items I cant get from the food bank via cc, which is maxed out. Trying to keep what little money I have in my checking account (no savings) help cover my 3 bills due next week that the paycheck coming in on friday doesn't cover. The job I kept offers the potential for cash tips, which helps, so I do have a few dollars available. Its a good feeling to know I finally have a job again, but it forces me to figure out how to either get more hours or seek out another job a couple days a week. Panic......... Anyway, feeling lonely, fighting off depression, tears and fear what will become of me at the age I am. A good day for a good cry. Note to all, Do Not watch "Sideways" if you're questioning everything in your life and already feeling like a failure. It is R and a great ass shot of T.H.Church... If you're Miles on any level in your life, hold off on watching it, unless you want to learn about wine and see a naked man run down the street... haha! No chocolate in the house, need a brain boost. Guess thats all for the moment. Hugs

6 Days

Well, we have 6 days until the final ballots get counted and the nastiness either ramps up and shuts up completely, depending on your view. This election has been hard on all of us, doesn't matter who you are. A small part of me actually feels sorry for all those who declare GOP because of the candidate they ended up with. This person has made a mockery of what could have been a great election and many of the educated & church raised voters allowed this behavior and brushed it off. In truth, I'm petrified if this person makes it into office. Way more so than if our first Woman candidate becomes President. When the other guy, what was his name, oh yeah, the Mormon was running, I was nervous. But the current human who is on the ticket for the GOP, could quite easily (or do his best) reverse all the advances the female voters, mothers, workers, PhD's, etc... have made over the years. If one pays too much attention to the news, than one would hear talk of all kinds of BS. The biggest thing that makes me ill is the double standard of said BS. What's going to happen to my nieces as they come of age and make tracks for the life they want to live and it does not include the old way of thinking, barefoot & pregnant... I'm getting off topic some or rather swinging into a fear chant. The real power we have as voters is taking control of who we have in DC representing our districts. Did you know that all of them, all 435 House and 34 Senate seats, are up for election on tuesday? I voted one of mine out who wasn't doing what he need to do, like standup and say he's not supporting certain actions and statements from the GOP candidate. Which told me he either has no cojones or has the same thinking. (the female voice on google had a smile on her face when she read the word cojones... pretty funny, had to check spelling on it...) Anyway, I was getting some lunch from the food bank yesterday and heard one person say they voted for the green party. I like Jill, there is hope for her. It will be very interesting on tuesday when the results come in. This election has made us a laughing stock and the home of bad jokes around the world and its embarrassing, because I love my country. Will miss the Obama's. They have class, respect, and just down right nice folks. He was handed to small beach shovel to dig us out from under of the Mt Everest of horse poop Bush Jr handed him. Obama did it without being rude or disrespectful, and he got the bad guy!!!!