What to do...

This will be a vent session for me. Too much bottled up stuff! Guess I'll start here; last night someone who works for my mom bought us dinner last night and it was terrible. I thanked them for spending their money on dinner and they appreciated it. Later I found out that my mother (as usual voiced her disapproval, of everything) had not thanked them for dinner. If I had eaten that meal and didn't thank this person, mom would have insulted me in front of them. I'm insulted that she feels she can do what ever she wants. I used to buy her clothes when I was in the city and I stopped because she found fault with everything I spent money on. Onward! My family is very PA (passive aggressive) and it makes me sad. I'm criticized for hiding in my room to allow mom and the aides have some time alone or I'm made to feel like a 3rd wheel by mom when I'm visiting too long. So, I'm pretty much in the wrong all the time. Last night, a memory came to mind about what I wanted to do with my business education. I was telling my dad about my idea and you know what he said; "You don't have enough experience to do that!" So, I didn't do that and here I am, flat broke, at my moms so I'm not on the street and disowned by everyone in my family but my mom, because they see me as a failure. Feeling pretty crushed and beat down. I apply for jobs and everyone gives me the same response, "thanks but not hiring right now', even though they're running a help wanted ad in the paper. No idea where to go from here...

Not Much Sleep

When I got here, it felt okay to be here. But last night I learned that the only person who wants me around is my mom. The family, the help, the neighbors and many others do not. I deleted pretty much the rest of my family from my social media accounts and down to a handful of friends. What makes me sad is the realization is that no one in my family wants me around. For most of the night I struggled with this information and tried to figure out what if any options I have. Stay and continue to be in their face until my Mother passes or leave and break her heart, which would make them happy that I left and mad at me for breaking her heart. If I left, I would be cutting all ties with all of them. My life sucks on either way I go...

Post Election

Well, here we are! Post Election... It took me a few days to absorb, process and figure out what I plan to do. Since I now have a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder, all the jobs I used to be able to do are no more. I could drive, but there isn't a company I want to drive for. So, I have to find more, what one would call 'lazy' or rather all brian and no physical work. Since I live in a pot friendly state, maybe I can go roll doobies for a living...

On a more heart breaking note, I'm watching families split apart because of this election. Mine was already messed up, so no major changes there. But families who were once 'healthy' in their own right are sending or getting emails, texts or calls telling someone they love that they have been disowned because they didn't stand by the family and vote the 'correct' way. It never occurred to me that families would dismiss their own children because the way they voted. But it is happening and has been happening since tuesday night. I say parents, because they are the ones who are doing it most. I wish I had all the answers but I don't. I do know that our parents were raised to think a certain way and we can't change them on any planet. We have to take care of ourselves emotionally and that may even mean not traveling home for the holidays this month or next. I do support that if that is what you need to do to take care of you. Love trumps Hate is suppose to start at home, not be the starting place for it to fall apart. I'm not only scared for myself, I'm scared for anyone who is 'different'. So this I ask of all humans in this country and around the world. Stand up to those who are being belittling by others and stand up for yourself. It is our right! Hugs

12 Hrs a Week is a Waste of Time...

Have been very blessed to have this place to live in, if only the job and hours had fallen into place. They told me they would train me in a different department this coming week, but they haven't contacted me about when I start. I owe rent and I'm so broke, I'm having to pay a bill with my cc and I have no memory of ever having to do that before. If you are a business owner and your employee (new or old) comes to you asking to be trained in a different department because they need the hours, they're doing it because they are hours or days from getting evicted. No one can live off 12 hours a week and you don't want them to work another job because of scheduling issues. If you want them exclusively, than you need to give them the hours they need to pay bills.

Where the h*** am I...

Now for my boohoo vent session... haha!!! For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm stupid at a job. Its amazing... Truly, have no brain... I talked to the owner yesterday while doing errands and it sounded like they may move me to a different part of the business. If they do, I will learn all I can and with some luck, be Virgo about it and become good at it. My resume shows a ton of experience in lots of different industries. It's not a driving job (shuttling customers), but maybe I can find Peace in the job. With the feeling of being stupid, it does hurt me, because I know I'm not. I know I'm misunderstood and have been my whole life. I'm extremely lucky to have a place to live, even though panic sets in every time I think about how much money I owe them. Even if I packed up and moved out, I still owe them money. I'm flat broke, buying the food items I cant get from the food bank via cc, which is maxed out. Trying to keep what little money I have in my checking account (no savings) help cover my 3 bills due next week that the paycheck coming in on friday doesn't cover. The job I kept offers the potential for cash tips, which helps, so I do have a few dollars available. Its a good feeling to know I finally have a job again, but it forces me to figure out how to either get more hours or seek out another job a couple days a week. Panic......... Anyway, feeling lonely, fighting off depression, tears and fear what will become of me at the age I am. A good day for a good cry. Note to all, Do Not watch "Sideways" if you're questioning everything in your life and already feeling like a failure. It is R and a great ass shot of T.H.Church... If you're Miles on any level in your life, hold off on watching it, unless you want to learn about wine and see a naked man run down the street... haha! No chocolate in the house, need a brain boost. Guess thats all for the moment. Hugs

6 Days

Well, we have 6 days until the final ballots get counted and the nastiness either ramps up and shuts up completely, depending on your view. This election has been hard on all of us, doesn't matter who you are. A small part of me actually feels sorry for all those who declare GOP because of the candidate they ended up with. This person has made a mockery of what could have been a great election and many of the educated & church raised voters allowed this behavior and brushed it off. In truth, I'm petrified if this person makes it into office. Way more so than if our first Woman candidate becomes President. When the other guy, what was his name, oh yeah, the Mormon was running, I was nervous. But the current human who is on the ticket for the GOP, could quite easily (or do his best) reverse all the advances the female voters, mothers, workers, PhD's, etc... have made over the years. If one pays too much attention to the news, than one would hear talk of all kinds of BS. The biggest thing that makes me ill is the double standard of said BS. What's going to happen to my nieces as they come of age and make tracks for the life they want to live and it does not include the old way of thinking, barefoot & pregnant... I'm getting off topic some or rather swinging into a fear chant. The real power we have as voters is taking control of who we have in DC representing our districts. Did you know that all of them, all 435 House and 34 Senate seats, are up for election on tuesday? I voted one of mine out who wasn't doing what he need to do, like standup and say he's not supporting certain actions and statements from the GOP candidate. Which told me he either has no cojones or has the same thinking. (the female voice on google had a smile on her face when she read the word cojones... pretty funny, had to check spelling on it...) Anyway, I was getting some lunch from the food bank yesterday and heard one person say they voted for the green party. I like Jill, there is hope for her. It will be very interesting on tuesday when the results come in. This election has made us a laughing stock and the home of bad jokes around the world and its embarrassing, because I love my country. Will miss the Obama's. They have class, respect, and just down right nice folks. He was handed to small beach shovel to dig us out from under of the Mt Everest of horse poop Bush Jr handed him. Obama did it without being rude or disrespectful, and he got the bad guy!!!!

Happy Halloween

Last day of the month and possible new changes...

Got a job, than a 2nd one and back down to one. The first one just wasn't a healthy one for me. It would have disrupted my dietary needs and possible get hurt on the job. Waking up this morning just thinking about going into work at this one job brought me to tears. So, I had to do what is best for me and quit. Still working at the 2nd job, only a couple days this week, but it may change to 3 days next week. Which will allow me to find something else to do a couple days a week. It took me 4 hours to exhale the stress that had been building up from the 1st job for the last 2 weeks. Today is a day off and conserving fuel in my car.

Be safe out there...

Ran Out of Time

Well, didn't hear from my interviews on monday, so I called them on tuesday. One of them didn't have work until the 1st of November. Had to leave a message at another one and wait for them to call back. The 3rd hadn't been passed onto the owner, so no news on that one. 4th one gave me the polite brush off. The boss whom I left the message with, called me back and we chatted for about 15 minutes. The hang-up there was that my former employer wouldn't confirm that I drove. I applied for a driving job and needed that confirmation. So, have to wait and see if the other phone number I gave them would pan out. Yesterday, went to town and stopped by one of them and asked to speak to the owner of the manager and was told that they wont be in until Friday. Completely bummed, thanked them and left. Headed to the library to get some research done and while I was there, got a text. The awesome person who allowed me to live in their house let me know that I need to come up with money in order to stay in the house or to move out. I understood completely and closed up what I was doing to left the library before I started to cry. I'm out of time! Trying not to feel sorry for myself, but sure is hard. Wanted to dig in here for the next 10-20 years and it just fell apart. With only enough funds to get back to where my mom lives. Even though this whole was completely out of my control, I feel like a complete failure. When I first got into the area, it was to work for a certain company, but it never worked out. 4 weeks later (last night), I finally got a response to one of the 4 emails sent to the owner. He now wanted me to come work for him. I gave up on him a 3 weeks ago. He missed his chance with me and I'm out of time! I told he would have to put me to work this week or not to worry about it. So, the conclusion to the true cost of working with everyone else's schedule has put me on the street.

Joy of Cooking in a Kitchen

Saturday is the day for sleeping in and playing... Well, my cold-wet-nose kid woke me at 6am, for the 3rd day in a row. I asked her if she was getting me ready for a job that has an early start! She just looked at me and then her bag of food with the demanding look saying "Feed Me!" Yesterday, I managed to get some cheap food from the store and mixed some of the fixing from the food bank together, cooked up some Chili. Needed some chili spice and didn't spend the money at the grocery store, but stopped at a family dollar on the way home and grabbed a bottle of chili spice for a $1 for 3ozs. The store wanted way more money for smaller amount and the same ingredients. The meat is sliced Round top steak from the food bank and it cooked up nicely. Since the crock pot in this house is a fire hazard, I had to put all of it in a big pot and cooked slowly on low heat. I'd turn the heat up a couple of time to bring it to a simmer and turn it back down. The steak came out tender and easy to enjoy. The point I'm making here is that I'm finally getting to cook after several years of not getting to cook the way I like. It's been since the winter of 2010. I made enough chili to store some in the freezer. The food bank has some great home made soups that I can add too and expand. I have cream of mushroom and cream of potato currently in the freezer. I buy simple clean foods on a budget that allows my food to live in the freezer until I use it. I'm a fan of the store brand mixed frozen veggies, nothing added. It allows me to do whatever I want with them. Giving up the kitchen because I don't have a job will make me sad. Today, with all the food in the freezer, it allowed me time to take a closer look to the tv issue and discovered that it wasn't even plugged into the antenna. So, I fixed that small issue and ran the program on the tv to locate any of the free channels out there in the air. When it was done, there was 3 PBS channels, 2 of which are showing food cooking programs. No tv for way too long, so I'm watching cooking shows. haha

The True Cost of the "Hurry up & Wait"

Today is Thursday and I had 4 interviews this week. All of which I have to wait until monday or later to hear from. Two of them could work great together, if they both hired me. One of them, I think, is a seasonal job that could turn into permanent, maybe. The 4th interview, as it turns out, would only have work for me like twice a month. Meanwhile, I wait. Thankful for my place; I'm beginning to wonder if I can stay here past the 21st if I'm still out of work. Not being able to scream, cry, vent with anyone because it will come off as victim or emotional blackmail or whatever you want to call it is making my adrenal fatigue symptoms worse. So, here is where I do it! It pisses me off that I haven't found work by now so I can pay my own way. Looking for a bankruptcy attorney to remove my debt and force me to start from scratch on my credit, and it's actually clean. No late payments, etc... But not being able to keep that going because of no work, will force me to wipe it out completely. I would have to ask to be allowed to keep my car so I could get to work, once I found work. Fighting off the depression and self-pity is a struggle right now. A friend sent me some funds to help and they have. I've always been able to figure out a way to get my bills paid and support myself, but with the former employer getting in my way, cant even buy food for myself. My credit card bought my dog some food, which will last her for about 5-6 weeks. Did the dog food before the gift arrived in the mail. When I was allowed to move into this cute place, I was told that the neighbors are awesome people and would be great friends. Well, the sad truth is, they avoid me like the plague. I think they told the owner (my landlord), they were wrong by tell me I could depend on them for anything. I quit calling the full-timers for a just a meet-n-greet. They don't answer the phone or return my calls. The ones within view of my little house where I'm staying, hides if outside, just so they don't have to talk to me. It breaks my heart that I'm making a list of stuff to leave behind incase I do have to move out next weekend because of no work, because there is no room in my car for it all.

"We would Never hire this person again!"

This week has been interesting, to say the least. Monday, I had to beg for security deposit from the place I moved out of early to pay 3 bills. Yesterday, it was confirmed that a simple statement when people where confirming my last employment, that it was a Black Ball and making me unhireable! Today, I tried one last time to get in touch with a business owner to offer my services in expanding his business into a new market. I decided that I dont want to work for someone who doesnt answer emails or can be reached by phone. Time to look for work in other industries. Meanwhile, I'm down to the change in my pockets and having to figure how to get hired tomorrow on a cash job. Wish I had the brain who could multitask like hard working waitresses. I dont; therefore, I cant walk into any restaurant and wait tables. Fingers crossed that my security deposit will be available to pay bills next week. I've been bugging one of the jobs that could put me to work, but the black ball statement is keeping me unemployed and messages I've left unreturned. OMG, Work has to come my way!!!!

Hello Out There

Hello Peeps

It has been awhile and life rolls along, things tend to change as it goes. Lots to write about, lots to think about. This is just a short hello to let you know I'm back!