I haven't really vented, yelled and screamed on here yet. I discovered that I must be internalizing my stress more then I thought, because on inspection of my finger nails this morning, I found that the quick has literally pulled away from the nail on 3 fingers. For the first time in my life, I'm facing having no insurance on my car and that is REALLY scary. I've been trying so hard to stop calling my dad for help, I have never enjoyed it. I really don't know what I'm suppose to do to get a job. I mean, I have 5 years in the coffee business from serving coffee to running the business and I can't get a job. Quick math shows that the Baristas make more then the managers do if you include the tips (at the last job I put in for). I'm single, no kids, reliable (& reliable car), good work ethics and my resumes goes into the trash at 90% of the jobs I've applied for. The other 10% are the calls in get to come in for a job interview. So far, I've experienced the main reason for not getting a job is for not living in the town I'm applying for. I don't have a house or car payment, but my basic living expenses. Everything I could pay for with my last paycheck from taxes paid all the bills I could to put them off until August 1st. Well, August 1st is Sunday. Keeping my car legal on all fronts will cost me about $1,000 in August and September. Forget rent, gas, food, etc... I've been trying really hard to keep positive and push forward everyday, but there are somedays where reality hits me in the face like a mack truck. I'm extremely thankful to my lady who is paying me to help her pack her house, that is keeping me afloat as far as campground fees, gas & food. None left over to put aside and I've been forced to eat into my stash of cash some as well. I've been out here over 60 days and not feeling very successful. All the money I had/have waiting for me in the sw is either not going to come or will not come until they feel good and ready. So, that alone is telling me I have no financial future in the sw; no one wants to pay for jobs or no one gives a shit or no one as any money. I think I have to move out of my campground tomorrow out of the purity of being broke again. I'm almost forced to find a coffee job now, just so I can take the deduction on my taxes, the money spent on this deal is sick. All I want to do is cry, this sucks so bad.
Later on. As I was driving to my house packing job, some fucking guys not paying attention, using their mirrors much less the signal started to move into my lane right where I was at, it wasn't until I was standing on my horn did they even look and THEY flipped me off. Piss me off. That pushed me over the edge today. I was within inches of getting my car trashed by some dumb shits moving into my lane. I couldn't go anyplace, I had people to my left and behind me. When I got to my packing job, I had quit crying but she could see I was not having a good morning. So, we're going to catch up this afternoon. I drove by the homeless shelter to see if I could talk to one of the mental health counselors, but they don't answer the door or phone from 10-4pm. I'm too beat up to get anything productive done today.
Even later. Here are a couple of things I saw today to show that even thought I'm falling apart at the seams. While waiting at a light, I was looking down a street into a mobile home park and saw a deer standing between 2 cars looking for someplace to go. It was a nice sight, to simply see one. The other thing was seeing what happens when you don't pay rent. An eviction notice in action, everything in the house was on the front lawn. Ooops! I know I'm not the only one who is having a hard time, but we all have our days, even me. My friend is taking me to her church tonight, it sounds like the right one for me. So, we'll see.
Much much later... :) Church was interesting. Can't decide on one visit, time will tell. Night all. Thanks for bearing with me today. I just couldn't hold it in any longer.
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